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The gay kids in my school & handful of celebrities I was privy to? They always seemed so confidently gay- like they were born sure of their sexuality. When I would day-dream of kissing boys, it all seemed like a sort of silly fantasy I was having, divorced from my sexuality. I was, after all, deeply entrenched in a faith practice that demonized anything that wasn’t heteronormative. I thought maybe I was just enamored with the idea of being gay more than I was actually attracted to men. Which… is a really fascinating way of convincing yourself that you're straight… “Wow, he is gorgeous. If I was gay…” If I was gay, what? I would be daydreaming the things I’m daydreaming right now? I kissed a guy for the first time when I was 23. I was really smitten with him and it likely meant more to me than it did to him. I felt really rocked to realize that this wasn’t a budding romance. It pushed me further away from being honest with myself about my sexuality. Honestly took years to find a label that fit, to find myself easing into the idea that this wasn’t some passing sensation, to connect the thread throughout my life- the thread of my Queerness. By the time I felt comfortable with it, I was married and coming out felt like such a weird and unnecessary thing to do? So, I never really publicly “came out.” I just allowed myself to live into something like wholeness, to question and explore my gender & sexual identity, to revel in all the colors that bring me joy, and to roam these inner hallways freely, expressing myself however felt right and righteous and me. AND, I’m still doing that. I’m still roaming. Still stretching. Still dressing & undressing and I am happy to be in the stillness of this season, using music as a therapy to process all of the hard stuff. Huge thanks to DF Production Services for visiting my yard for this.