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How to Find and Meet Your Needs

We've turned "needy" into a bad word. But everyone has needs, and the better we get at meeting them the more resilient we become. In this video I explore our three core needs, different ways to think about needs, how we can identify what really matters, and some ways to go about meeting those needs. Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (https://amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (https://apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth. You can follow me here: 🎤 https://apple.co/38ufGG0 🌍 https://www.forresthanson.com 📸   / f.hanson   Every human has three basic needs that are grounded in our evolutionary history: 1. We need safety, from raw survival to knowing we won’t be attacked if we speak up. 2. We need satisfaction, from having enough to eat to feeling that life is worth living. 3. We need connection, from expressing sexuality to feeling worthy and loved. While our circumstances have changed enormously over the last two hundred thousand years or so, our brains have remained largely the same. The neural machinery that enabled our ancestors to satisfy their need for safety by finding shelter, for satisfaction by getting food, and for connection by bonding with others is alive in our brains today. It's common for people to feel like meeting their own needs is in some way “selfish.” But this really couldn’t be further from the truth. The better we meet our own needs, the more we have to offer other people. A common way to conceptualize our needs comes from Maslow. He wrote A Theory of Human Motivation, which laid out five core needs in a pyramid structure. Needs that lie lower on the period need to be satisfied before a person is able to move on to needs that lie higher up. But different people are different, and just because something really matters to one person doesn't mean it will matter as much to another. It’s common for people to have a core need that goes unfulfilled because either their circumstance doesn’t naturally provide it to them, or there’s some element of their personality that makes it difficult for them to receive it. In these cases it’s natural for us to try to attempt to fill ourselves up by meeting other needs that are, well, easier for us to fulfill. As you probably know if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, the psyche is kind of like an onion – or perhaps a parfait. The metaphor of the mind being somewhat like an iceberg is commonly attributed to Freud. The top of the iceberg, the visible part above the water, represents the conscious mind. The part of the iceberg that is submerged below the water, but is still visible, is the preconscious. The bulk of the iceberg that lies unseen beneath the waterline represents the unconscious. In much the same way, each person has layers of surface wants, needs, and desires that lie on top of older psychological material – most of which we’re not consciously aware of most of the time. Another version of this is found in therapy, where it’s typically known as a "presenting problem." Just as it’s important for us to identify what the resources are that can really help us, it’s equally important for us to get to the heart of things. What’s the deep issue that lies underneath the presenting problem? Without finding that, it’s very easy to waste your time. Here’s a simple process for finding the needs that matter most to you, and then the key resource experiences that could allow you to better experience those needs as being met. You can do this through a four-step process: 1. Clarify the challenge. 2. Determine the needs that are at stake. 3. Identify what could help. 4. Commit to meeting your needs. Once you’ve identified a key inner strength, it’s time to take action around meeting that need. One way to do this is by changing our behavior so we create more of the experiences we want to have. But another is to take better advantage of the positive experiences you’re already having. Once you’re having an experience of the resource, shift into the installation phase of learning. You can enrich the experience by staying with it, letting it fill your mind, opening to it in your body, exploring what could be fresh or new about it, and recognizing what is relevant or important about it. Also absorb it into yourself by intending that it become part of you, sensing it sinking in, and finding what is enjoyable about it. This process of experiencing something, enriching the feeling of it, and then absorbing the experience can be repeated for just about anything you’d like to grow more of in your life.